Afraid of being alone

It was when I couldn’t bear to be alone with my own thoughts for longer than 5 minutes. I decided  to release things on paper. It had always had great effect before and helped me through issues and situations I never thought my mind would cope with.

The only thing with writing down your thoughts and feelings is if anyone happens to come across them they become concerned, losing all sight that the same thoughts and notions have gone through their own mind at one time or another.

My head currently feels like a swelling balloon approaching it’s limit. Writing things down is like a slow release of air needed to allow it not to burst. My recent tears would fill a river, twice over, but my tear ducts are sore and I need a new less needy and pathetic way of coping, less visible to the prying eye.

I lay in bed 2 nights ago praying to be so tired my mind would blank. Instead it raced with issues and dilemmas mostly beyond my control, but put in my path to burden me and assess my management skills. Assessment failed – I’m not managing!!

Nobody seems to understand why it’ so hard for me to admit defeat.To sit back and admit it’s beyond me and that I’m a failure.  I have always seen myself as a survivor, yet I’m being proven wrong and taking the easy option seems more appealing and a safer bet but I loathe myself for it!

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I can’t even face my own reflection in the mirror. I detest what stares back at me both visually and what has been revealed to be deeper inside. some days I dread stepping foot into the outside world and on many occasions can only manage because I go into automatic pilot – same shit different day!

Every minor dig or insult I receive, I can’t seem to shake off anymore. They leave deep irreparable scars that are gradually becoming visible to everyone, grotesque and ugly.
I detest myself for being a cowardly failure and have tried hard to lift myself back up, attempting to be the survivor I once thought I was but it never seems to be long before I’m knocked down flat again and my eyes flood with tears that i try my best to hide.
When I lie crying my mind even argues with itself, it doesn’t seem to be able to agree on the purpose of my tears. They are without a doubt a release far better than any violent or abusive outburst but they are shameful and pathetic, and should therefore be hidden. However if i hide my sorrow who will know to help me?

I am afraid to ask for help. Mostly because I struggle to word my thoughts and feelings, also because I feel like telling someone what a failure I am will make it more real.
I also fear that people will fail to understand. That they will see me as unable to cope with minor difficulties put in my path that I’m sure others suffer and get on with, therefore reinforcing my opinion of myself as a hopeless mess.

I also fear rejection. Rejection is something I have great experience of and choose not to tempt fate into serving me more. Am i wallowing in self pity therefore refusing myself happiness, taking more pleasure in being glum?

The worst thing is, I know that I have experienced being ecstatically happy and have seeked it ever since, feeling so much worse when life doesn’t live up to it and being afraid I may never experience it again. I know that 90% of the time it is entirely my fault I’m  not happy due to my actions and yet I can not seem to break out of the vicious cycle!!

Why Do I have to Change?

What do you think about change?    We all have our reactions to change…some things we are ready to let go, others we hold on to dear life.   All around us change is occurring without our permission.   As the seasons change, so does our lives.   How do you handle change from the outside?  Even more important how do you initiate change in your life?

I’ve been dealing with a personal issue for a while now….Trying to come out of my ‘Dev D’ mind set. It definitely took me a long time to figure out that I was responsible for my own feelings and if I wanted to change. I had to make the change.   It was so hard to make the decision. By listening to myself, recognizing what was working, and not working for me, I’m feeling   better about myself.I feel that I have more control over my life because I decided to change. 

What’s the statement: “The sign of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”   I finally got that.  Don’t ask how long it took me to make the decision…I made it and that’s what counts.

We all have our resistances to change.   What is easy for me to change, you may resist and the same for me.   I see my resistance to change in many areas of my life.

life I am watching the video sent by my’Guru’ Sush, this is by a lady from Brahmakumari Samaaja who offers clear, simple, and practical advice on how to build what we want in our lives.  A normal reaction we have is we have no control what others do, so what can we do?    Curve balls come our way and we have no control over the external events.   What we are in charge of is how we react to people, places or things.

When we redirect our focus from outside to inside, we will see different results.   Our lives belong to us and we are in charge of the direction it takes.    There are roads in front of us all of the time and we make choices every moment of our day which road we will take…do I eat that cookie or not.    It’s as simple as that.

What do you want to change today?  What are you willing to do to make the change happen?                        

                                                        I’ve decided no chips today!!!

I have had enough!!

I hold the phone far away from my ear, somehow thinking if I do this the other person will know what I’m doing and stop talking.   They don’t!  Words are flung at me at a rapid pace, drilling down into tiny details, with the compulsive talker unaware of my frustration at the other end.   They are comfortable with my slight mumblings or silence.

What I love is  a lively conversation, even if we are interrupting each other, bouncing back and forth adding tidbits of ideas, sharing experiences, and all the time listening to the other person and at a moment’s notice can stop and be  present to them.   It’s beautiful to receive and to give the gift of listening.

When I’m on with the compulsive talker, no one is present as both of us are in our own worlds.  We are not listening to each other.

A half and hour later I finally hang up the phone and say aloud to myself, “I’m fine too.”  It’s my way of recognizing the other person didn’t even ask how I was doing.    Relieved I’m no longer cornered by their words I try to shake off the negative feelings within me.  There must be a better way.

I believe that I am in charge of my reactions, so I start to process just what happened. I sat on the phone listening to a person drill down into every single detail of their lives…their friends or girl friend/boy friend, work, their feelings, complaints and the list goes on.

Why do I stay on the phone? They are good people, I have a history with them and am not ready to relinquish the relationship.   We all use our friends to share our experiences and help us sort through an issue in our lives.   What frustrates me is the friend whose motor starts and they don’t know how to stop it.  I’ve always wondered whether they would be great writers because they have incredible ability to get in to details??

I don’t want to subject myself to another marathon of words, so how do I deal with issue going forward?  

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I’ve decided I wasn’t going to speak on the phone as much.  I’ve noticed that face-to-face interaction with compulsive talkers works better because they receive feedback.  It may not stop the behavior but at least lessens the duration of the experience.

They can bring fun times with them, but I do know that their compulsive behavior will surface, so I limit the time we spend together, and I don’t build up a reservoir of frustration with this person.

Finally, if I choose to be with them or talk on the phone, I surround us both with a circle of love.  I take responsibility for creating an atmosphere that supports my well-being.

Relationships are important to me and over the years I’ve learned that it’s a balancing act between loving the other person as they are and insuring my own well-being.

I Think Emotions Are Bad

I think that is my problem. I hate emotions. All of them. No doubt. I have told myself that any rational action must be completely void of any emotion, when really, the opposite is true. Some kind of emotion is necessary. I should not be the basis, but should be present.

I learned a long time ago, that emotions lie. That is true. Emotions can make you think that something is true when it isn’t. If you let them run you, then you will never be consistant. Of course, emotions can also tell the truth. Like if you are passionate about something, and you feel strongly about what you beilieve it invokes a responsible emotional response. The problem is, the lies and the truth can be both positive and negative emotions. It requires rational thinking to differentiate. Of course rational thinking that is void of emotion is the other extreme. Reason, when dealing with emotional people, often does not make sense. SO there is a fine line between what is proper emotion to behave, and times to be reserved.

I have been really introspective recently. Why, I do not know. Perhaps what someone told me made me think more about myself. Oh well.

I guess that what I do is try to tell myself that my emotions don’t exist, or that they are always not the right answer. I guess this is what is called suppressing. Of course this leads to outbursts. Then, I feel bad about letting my emotions control me, so I just end up being frustrated, which I think makes me worse. Also, I tend then when I do express myself emotionally, people don’t want to hear it or they start laughing. Why? I don’t know. Apparantly when I express myself, it never seems a very positive outcome. Oh well. I don’t really have much more to say. But, I wish someone would show up at my door, and want to hang out. So I could be around someone.

What’s With All The Negativity?

I am sorry guys, I have been so incredibly negative recently and I hate it when I do that.

Anyways, I want to become much more positive again. For some reason I have it in my brain that being negative is a good thing. In fact I think that negativity surrounds us so much that when we see it, we view it as a good thing. Instead of trying to find what works and what will make things better we become so focused on what is wrong and we decided that we are going to dig and burrow our niche into what is wrong in life instead of holding on to what is good and cling to it.

So I am sorry that I haven’t been here much. I feel as though I need to be here more and write more and be myself more and well just about be anything that is beneficial more. I guess what I am saying is more more more.

On that note, you shall soon learn the truth of that which is all matter.

Naked….so cool!

If you get married to your most best girl friend, would you be happy?
♥ hahaha…hmmmm… if that’s the case…. i’l be the MOST BEST HAPPIEST groom…

What did you do this afternoon?
♥ answering this survey while having my lunch..

When was the last time you smiled?
♥ Been ages??

Can you use chopsticks?
♥ Nooooooooo..

Who was the last person you slept next to?
♥I really don’t remember…… My dad I guess

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
♥ yeah

Do you remember what you were like a year ago?
♥ super duper cool guy……

Do you have unlimited texting?
♥ nope. i don’t have time for texting except when needed…

Ever cried because of happiness?
♥ yes

Which girl’s house was the last you spent the night at?
♥Saritha’s uncle house

What makes you laugh?
♥ Javeen Aktar on a  reality show??

How was last week?
♥ Exciting… exhausting… boring… 😀

What are your plans for the morning?
♥ ohhh it’s Monday again..!

Do you ever turn off your cellphone?
♥ At times…

Do you like certain romantic cliches?
♥ yeah… like… a walk on the beach or rose petals leading somewhere…

Where is your best friend at this exact moment?
♥ Madhurai….

Do you have a ceiling fan located in your room?
♥ Yes…

What is the worst thing that has happened to you lately?
♥ huuuum……many……..almost everything!

What color is your car?
♥ sorry,,,,,,I don’t have one

What sounds are you currently hearing?
♥ pyar karne waale payr kartehi shanse…..

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
♥ I was about to tell sush that I love her for being there for me!…..She was feeling sleepy so  I had to let her go!

Do you miss anyone?
♥ yeah…

Are you growing apart from someone close?
♥ sadly YES! 😦

Where was your default pic taken?
♥ where do you think?

How much are you on the phone daily?
♥ should  I  say priceless? Hahaha…

Are you in a good mood?
♥ No…..I’m feeling very low

Have you ever been in love?
♥ again???

Do you love your life?
♥ of course … worth living despite of all the messed up things… hahaha

What were you doing at midnight last night?
♥ dreaming… hahaha

Where is your favorite place to shop?
♥ somewhere interesting…

What is your favorite thing to wear?
♥ naked is way cooler… hahahaha…

Do you think you are a good driver?
♥ I can be one in some ways… hehehe


Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?

♥ My mom

Were you happy when you woke up today?
♥ yup…

Are you ticklish?
♥ ask the blind massager… hahaha

First thing you do when you wake up?
♥ Brush my teeth ???

What’s on your bedroom floor right now?
♥ bed, computer table, luggage bags and more…

Ever talked to someone that was drunk?
♥ well, yep…

Do you trust people easily?
♥ not anymore

Do any of your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
♥ noooooo…style & by accident… hahaha

Are you single?
♥ what do you care? hahaha

Finally,I’m Back!

Sorry it took so long folks. I thought of hundred posts in the last couple of months, unfortunately, I forgot them all.

If you sent an e-mail, or left a comment, I will try to get to them asap. I will be working all weekend, so this may take while. I am not sure why, but for some reason, my phone doesn’t recognize the security certificate from my blog, and as best I can tell, there is no way to fix the problem.

Any how, I hope to be back to posting regularly soon. I hope y’all have a good weekend, and again, I apologize.

Not again!

No, actually, I am not feeling glad today. I am having a hard time concentrating on work. I feel like I have lost my drive sometime ago and now I am ready to let go. Now I don’t know what to do with my life, but I know that this is not what I want.

I want to be free from debt. I want to be free from guilt. I want to have a different job, something just as nice as my current job, but a lot more active and pleasant

I can’t wait to bound up from here and take off into worlds unknown and uncharted. I want my life back.

But then, if God thinks that I should be here, then I need to stay put until He says to let go. But I feel in my heart that God does not want me to suffer needlessly. So if I wanted to let go, God will still bless my decision.

I don’t know… I don’t really know what to think anymore, just that I am tired. I am dead-tired of everything in this room. I need a change of scenery.

You are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul

“The day you left me, I was stained with sorrow and sadness. My eyes were red with grief. You were a part of me, so when you left, I felt like I lost one of my lungs and breathing became harder. I had no clue as to how I would survive the next minute of my life without hearing your sweet voice, smelling your charming perfume or feeling the soft touch of your lips.

But now I’m cured, sterilized from your love and finally at peace. I no longer miss you and no longer love you. Yet I still wait for you my love, every minute that I live, every hour of the day, every day of the month and every month of the year.”

Stuck in the midpoint

The message above is a perfect example of why it is so difficult to get over a breakup: not being able to let go of false hope. Most men are stuck in midpoint with the idea that there might be a chance of getting back together with their women.

The result of such beliefs is a double-edged rejection sword. This person actually inflicts prolonged and repetitive pain. First comes the initial sting originating from the breakup itself. Then comes the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking hope that she will return, and eventually the realization that she does not regret leaving you — and she is gone for good.

All this pain could be kept short and sweet if a man would just learn to accept the decision made by his “new” ex-girlfriend and move on with his life. By waiting around and hoping, a man is trapping himself in an endless circle of torture.

You control the situation

A man cannot prevent his woman from leaving him, but he can definitely control the whole breakup situation. Some men like me make the whole experience a lot more difficult than it really is. You can think of going through a breakup as similar to preparing a martini — you take it either stirred or shaken.

The time it takes for a man to recover from the breakup depends on how he serves himself a martini. Most men will take it shaken. They sit around the house reading old love letters, looking at old photos and listening to meaningful love songs while thinking about the past.

This is the hard, long way of recovering. Essentially, he’s taking all these emotions together and shaking them within himself to make them bubblier than they need to be.

It’s not fair

Coping with a breakup is hard for everyone, but in my opinion, it is harder for men than it is for women. This is especially true for all those men who were involved in long-term relationships.

Now you’re probably wondering why I believe it is more difficult for men. The answer is simple: we all know that one of the best ways to recover from a breakup is to meet new people. Well, after a breakup, men have a more difficult time meeting new women than women have meeting men.

Just think about it for a moment. If you break up with your girlfriend, all she has to do is go down to the local café, bar, club (you name it) and she’ll have at least one man approach her. If she wants, she’ll be in the sack with him by night’s end.

On the other hand, the fragile, ego-broken man who was just dumped by his girlfriend now has the difficult task of approaching a strange woman and risk being rejected all over again.

Of course, his job is made a lot more difficult because he has to approach a woman while dealing with his new desperate state of mind (which definitely does not improve his chances: women hate desperate men), broken ego and rusty “pickup” skills.

Needless to say, his efforts are headed for doom, which will only cause his ego to be shattered further.

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Recover quickly

These stressful moments can further lead to confusion and a state of mind where one feels totally helpless. But there are few necessary steps that one can take to quickly recover from a breakup.

1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
Over the years, men have earned the reputation for being big babies. One of the reasons why they’re labeled in such a way is because they’re always feeling sorry for themselves. Being dumped only adds to this.

Every man thinks his breakup was the most traumatic one in history. The truth of the matter is, breakups always follow the same pattern, and life does go on. If you keep thinking about how badly you’ve been hurt, you will continue to hurt. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and help yourself get over her.

2. Destroy the past
As I mentioned before, a lot of recently dumped men remain trapped in a limbo state of mind, hoping that their ex will return to them. But they will never admit to this. In front of their buddies, they claim to be over the breakup and swear that their girlfriend no longer means anything to them.

But if you ask them to throw away all the love letters and pictures, they’ll refuse. Why? In case she does return, they won’t have to start a whole new photo collection.

The solution is to completely destroy or burn anything that reminds you of her. If you find it difficult, then this means that you can’t let go and you’re still hoping for her to return to you. Believe me, once you meet another woman, all those pictures of your ex will become meaningless.

3. Remember your blood
A man can sometimes fall victim of his blind love and spend too much time with his woman leading him to forget his family. But in the end, once he’s been dumped, he soon realizes the importance of his family. The family that sticks with you through tough times – is a sure way to recover from a break up.

4. Repair the ego
Your ego just took a heavy blow so the last thing you want is to get back into the dating scene and suffer the consequences of normal rejection that comes from dating — you’ll take it too personally.

The solution to repairing your ego is to start off slowly by first making friends and doing fun activities such as sports, dance lessons and training at the gym. Getting your body in shape will eventually give you the confidence to meet new women and build your ego.

Once you feel comfortable and decide to get back into the dating game, it will be a lot easier to meet women since you have planted some seeds (met women in dance classes and such) and you won’t look as desperate.

5. The sweetest revenge
Some men have bitter feelings towards their ex-girlfriends. Some behave in violent and crazy ways, while others let their performance level take a downward fall, be it in school or at work.Don’t let the actions of a woman dictate the way the rest of your life will turn out.

The sweetest revenge one could have is to be successful. Being dumped is actually the best motivation to help push you into succeeding in life. Believe me, there is no better feeling than bumping into your ex four years down the road after you’ve dropped twenty pounds, put on a rock hard six-pack and started your own lucrative business. Not to mention having your beautiful wife standing by your side.

Remember guys, as in the famous words of W.E. Henley, “You are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.”